My Son is Blessed...

My husband spoke with his sister today to let her know what is to take place tomorrow. Tonight, we were watching TV, and something inspired him to tell me that she said, "your son is blessed to have you home with him." I cannot say that is not true. My husband and his sisters were brought up with their dad as the bread winner. Brian's mother was home with him while his father worked up to 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet. His sisters, born nearly 10 years later, did know their mother to work at least part of their childhood. In our family, I am the breadwinner. Brian is home most of the time.

While I am glad that the child has a parent that can be home, I am not always glad that is not me. I especially don't like it pointed out to me. Sometimes I can take it well, but sometimes I can be a real bitch. When Brian told me what his sister said, I was the latter. I told Brian that sometimes I felt that I gave birth to my son, and handed him over to someone else to raise. That he wasn't of me at all. All I ever hear is how my son if so much like my husband and or/his family in appearance and personality that I feel completely discounted. I did my wifely duty...I gave rise to an heir. I was an incubator, and then a provider, nothing more. Do men feel like that when they go to work each day, and their wives stay home?

I didn't mean to hurt my husband, I just was venting my own feelings of loss and jealousy. Brian was laid off in November of 2001. He had a part time job once since from February 2006 until January 2008. The rest of the time, he was a stay at home dad, very involved with the goings on at school. My salary supported the house, though there weren't any extras. Brian has never failed to recognize what he has. He has always been supportive. But sometimes, I feel a little cheated. I wanted to be mom. I wanted to raise my son. I wanted the fairy tale where the man supports the household...didn't have to be a house with a picket fence or anything. Just more traditional roles, I guess. I wanted my man to be be stronger than me. That said, I know there are ways in which he is eminently stronger than I, just not in the ways I want to acknowledge when I am feeling this way.

So tonight I find myself worried about what tomorrow will bring, and somehow resentful at the same time. And guilty that in his time of worry, I am dwelling on my own petty shit. Gah. One day I will evolve. Clearly not today.

r.