Tuesday, May 06, 2008

On How to Be a Girl

By the time I turned 40 I had a 10-year-old son, I had lost nearly 100 pounds and was at the beginning of what would be a 6-year decline of my marriage. I was in the best physical shape of my life, and in the midst of intense personal restlessness. I needed a change. So I cut my shoulder-plus length hair. I cut it very, very short rationalizing that it's practical and minimizes the gray. Reaction to this drastic change was mostly positive with some women saying they wish they had the nerve to cut their hair that short. Of course, there are always critics: I have been told the look is too masculine or opens my sexuality to question, or is just plain unattractive. But by far, the most interesting encounter I had was with a little girl in a laundromat. 

To set the scene, for the last decade and a half, my neighborhood has been in the throes of a demographic shift—ethnic enclaves are being displaced by young professionals from all over the country who are unable to afford to live in the city proper. But there are still many Greek, Italian, Latino, Indian, Asian, and Albanian families, all of which have deep-rooted gender identity rules for both appearance and role that are passed, if diluted, from one generation to the next.

I breezed into my local laundromat to put in one last load of wash. A little girl was sitting on a window sill next to a pair of small load machines while her mother folded a clothes fresh out of the dryer. The child was of Hispanic descent and probably around 5 years old, with big brown eyes and slightly longer than shoulder length hair with bangs. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a pink shirt. As soon as she saw me, she asked me if I was a girl in that unselfconscious way that only a child get away with violating the most egregious bounds of etiquette. You just can't get mad at it—even if it WAS the third time in that week I had to defend my appearance. So I curbed my tongue and checked my tone. I assured her that I was indeed a girl, removing my jacket to make myself more visible. The conversation continued...

"Well, why do you have short hair?"

"I cut it short so that it isn't in the way when I exercise."

"But boys have short hair."

"Yes, they do. But girls can have short hair too." 

Once I started, I couldn't stop: "There is no one right way to be a girl. Girls can have long hair or short hair. Girls can have muscles or not have muscles. Girls can become moms or not become moms. They can go to work or they can stay home. There are many, many ways to be a girl. You get to choose what kind of girl you want to be. No one can tell you how to be a girl."

Then I asked her, "Do boys sometimes have long hair?"

"Yes."

"Does that make them girls?"

"No."

"No, it doesn't. It makes them boys with long hair. Just like I am a girl with short hair. More than one way to be a girl, and you get to choose how."

I was speaking very softly while I worked next to this girl. I didn't want to scare her, and I didn't want her called away until I was finished.

"You can do anything a boy can do if you want to. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. I have short hair. I am a mom. I am strong. I am the kind of girl I want to be. I chose. Always remember you can choose."

Her mother was either finished folding or had an inkling that we were talking and came to investigate. I assured her that we were fine. The child was not bothering me. Isn't it funny that as parents, we assume that our children are annoying another adult with whom they are interacting? I finished loading the machine, put in soap and quarters, and went back upstairs.

r.

16 comments:

Maria said...

I hope that she does remember, because it is our duty to keep saying it until they do, yes?

I cut my hair very short too (think Jamie Lee Curtis) and stopped dyeing it. It is not salt and pepper. And I LOVE it. It was the smartest move I ever made.

I do wear bright cherry red lipstick, though.....

The World According To Me said...

"You can do anything a boy can do, if you want to. Don't let anyone tell you you can't. I have short hair. I am a mom. I am strong. I am the kind of girl I want to be. I chose. Always remember you can choose."

Wise words again Rebecca. You could have been insulted with her naivety but instead you tried to help her to understand her way of thinking. I have a feeling she will remember those words.

Unknown said...

my daughter just got a pixie cut and my son is growing his hair again - Why do you let this happen? is what I get from most moms. sometimes the children hear these comments and ask me if they are doing something wrong. ay...

Anonymous said...

If you normally look like your picture, anyone who thinks you're a boy needs their eyes testing! But it's depressing what rigid ideas people still have about gender - and at such a young age. Good for you encouraging the little girl to be more flexible and open-minded, rather than just shrugging it off as an annoying question.

Rebecca said...

Maria, yes, it is our duty to keep saying the words until they are really heard.

I love Jamie Lee Curtis. What an awesome woman! I think my hair might actually be shorter. And bravo for carry off bright red lipstick. I sooo don't have the guts to do that. Wayy too much bottom lip :)

FPE, thanks!! I really hope she remembers, but the messages she will receive over her lifetime will make it difficult.

Seagrape, kids should be free to explore roles as they will without same. Adults really do need to loosen up!

Nick, I do look just like that, pretty much all the time (well, my profile photo anyway). I don't know how anyone'd mistake me for a boy either. Oh well. Everyone's a critic!

Kate said...

Well done. You made your point well when you reminded her that boys can have long hair.

My Bucket of parts said...

I see skater boys all over our school with the longer hair...doesn't anyone remember the sixties? I mean, I wasn't a part of it, but...

Everything we do is a choice, really. It's almost mind-boggling.

This is one of my favorites.

Bridget said...

I had short hair for many years and got the same comments. I was a kid though so it was hard to not be really hurt. My third grade teacher even told me on picture day to not put my hair behind my ear or I look like a boy.

That's great you explained this to that little girl.

SOUL said...

i couldn't tell you how many times i have been mistaken for a boy-- even a man..in my older years-- and ya know what-- i've grown to be "ok" with it. it is usually kids who who who don't notice the woman in me-- but like you-- i do have the short hair-- cuz i like it that way-- i don't wear make-up-- cuz i don't like to mess with it-- and i suppose i'm just ok with the way i look.
does it bother me sometimes that i look like a dude? of course it does. but i have never been feminine. ever. tomboy since birth.
do i need to explain that-- or anything else to anyone? no--
i think it's ok for kids to wonder if they are confused-- kids will ask questions-- such as -- why is he in the girls bathroom?"
that's one i get a few times a year-- :((

but when it's a grown woman.. and it really is women or children 100 percent of the time...
but grown women? i think they're jealous-- just cuz they can't feel comfortable enough with their own self-- without the layers of make-up-- and the 100 dollar hair... and 90 dollar dresses or shoes.

hey-- gimmee a 15 dollar haircut, some slip on vans , levi shorts, and a fishin rod...and i am one happy LADY!

to each her own.. as they say -- right?

anyhow--
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY--to a great LADY!!!!

Jessica said...

You go GIRL!!!!!

suesun said...

Nicely said. And even better to remember, despite all of its problems, that we live in a country in which we (girls and women) DO get to choose. It will take our vigilance to keep it so.

My older son is growing his hair out, and the irony is that my husband, who has long hair, doesn't want him to. Why? Because he doesn't want him to have to deal with the teasing that comes from a boy having long hair. Weird.

Happy Mother's Day to you!!!

see you soon!

SOUL said...

just checkin in---
how are ya?
happy humpday!

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering what do you mean for "ethnic families"? Aren't Manhattan professionals belonging to any ethnic family? No family at all?
Another question: do you believe that those "ethnic families" are unic in having "some very deep rooted gender roles"? Don't all people have any gender role?

Sorry if those questions sound too direct or ungentle (my english does not allow me to be more polite)

I love your blog.
Thanks

Eastcoastdweller said...

Rebecca, my heart filled with joy when I read this post. You shared some very important information with this young Lady and I hope that Your words sunk deeply into Her heart and will take root there.

In a world where Girls are taught that They all must look exactly the same in order to be beautiful, that boys have options that Girls don't have and perhaps vice versa, You spoke up and shared the truth.

And You did it in a gentle, loving way.

This is my favorite post on Your entire blog. So much so, that I would like to borrow it for Isis, if I may.

Rebecca said...

Hi, Anonymous, and welcome. When I say Ethnic families, I am referring to families that identify themselves as of their homeland first. They are not Greek Americans, they are Greeks living in America. They teach their children the language of their country of origin before English. They carry on the customs of their homelands. They discourage mixing outside their group.

There are gender roles to be sure, in just about every culture. However, I find that if a family identifies itself as separate from their country of origin, and allows more assimilation with the "American" culture, then some of those gender roles begin to relax or change. I was not brought up with no strict gender roles at all. As far as I knew growing up in the 70s and 80s, women were powerful, capable, and could do whatever they wanted to. I was never told I couldn't do anything--ride a bike, throw a ball, climb a tree, get dirty, no problem. I was quite a tom boy. My mother worked, made and enforced rules. So, no, gender roles are not so rigid here.

The Real Mother Hen said...

I like to have conversation with kiddo, but sometimes I get some questionable look from their parents... wanting to know why I'm so interested in talking to their child.

Well, maybe I look like a human trafficker?